Looking back

mood:
listening to: Happy by Saving Jane


First of all, I'm posting something good that happened to me today. Gaaah, how about seeing all my crushes (and I mean all) in church unsexpectedly? I'm grinning from ear to ear its silly. Haha. I saw Joey and his equally gorgeous brother Jamie (Benjamin), then there was Joel who was a former buddy at camp, and OMG my Anatomy professor with his *cough* gf. So four J's all together! Bwahaha now thats a party! I mean I didn't know which way to look and to greet who first. Pathetic really, lol. I'm kinda glad I saw sir Jon for the last time, coz he's off to Chicago tomorrow. Wow, some luck. And he said hi first so I'm like in cloud nine today. :P What is it with me with guys with names that starts with either J or M? Hmm... I just noticed this really. Okay now moving on to the sappy part of my rant today (I wasn't expecting something good to happen to me today and I was supposed to start with a sappy post actually) :

Filling up my empty days with red wine

Wonder what you think of me?

Lying in the grass alone and wasted

Nothing’s how it used to be

It's funny how you keep on falling in love over and over again even if you get hurt all the time, as if being hurt once wasn't enough. Is it just me or does love make people do stupid things? Like everytime when you hear a song on the radio that reminds you of him you always end up crying but after that you'll slap yourself from doing so coz its stupid. Or you get drunk coz you got hurt, drowning your pain with booze and all you got is a terrible hangover and an empty pocket the next morning. And you hope he remembers what date is today, coz its supposed to be your monthsary but there's still the possibility he wouldn't.And yeah there's the hope that he'll still think about you, with the smallest expectation that he'll do so when you know that he won't...'coz he's happy with someone else.

I wanna be the first to call and tell you

Yesterday I heard the news

I hear you oughtta be congratulated

So I guess that’s what I’ll do

Forever the martyr, that's what I am. My friend reckons I should be shot coz all martyrs end up dead. But yeah I'm better off dead anyway, than to feel this way. Define martyr? It's letting go, letting go and more letting go. Letting yourself on the losing side. You gamble everything even when you know you'll end up losing in the end. It's pretending to smile and be happy for him when he's with someone else, but deep inside you're dying. You try to be happy and you pretend to be, but you know you aren't. But what can I do? If that makes him happy then I'll let him go. Hah, the true words of a martyr.

I’m so happy for you I could cry

Yeah, I’m so elated

Cross my heart and hope to die

I don’t think about you every night

Before I close my eyes

I’m so happy for you baby, I could cry.

You try not to cry, telling yourself it's stupid like crying over split milk. But then you think about it, then feeling sorry for it. It could've been much better if you got to drink it all. But there are the factors : the table wasn't strong enough to support the glass coz you hurried on making it; he wants juice, but you can't give him that. Coz thats what you are: milk, but you can't be juice and you'll never be; he doesn't like how the milk tastes anymore, so might as well tip and over and spill it on the floor coz he realizes he didn't want milk after all. Funny how I use spilt milk as a metaphor. I'm a certified sicko now.

Listen to the sound of my head pounding

Wish that it was make-believe

Praying for the skies to open up and

Wash away your memory

I can walk around with a pretty face on

Even when I’m black and blue

What’s the point in telling everybody

I’m not over you.

You feel stupid for falling in love in the first place, but you already did so its too late to take it back. It's your fault in the first place. You go out everyday pretending to be fine, joking with all your friends telling them you're so over him and say that he wasn't that much of a matter at all. You can fool everybody, but not yourself. You're still the Shine that sulks in the room, listening to music and crying every night feeling miserable for yourself. You're still that someone who wished you have never loved at all, if it only hurts this way. You're afraid to love again, coz everytime you do so you get hurt. You're always the one who gets left behind. You're always the sorry one. You still hate yourself, for not being not like this and like that. But what's use? You can never be her, or her or her. You'll still be the same person no matter how hard you try. You hope that someday there's someone who'll finally come along and see you for who you are, without letting you feel inferior, and love you for what you are. But then, you get tired of waiting. You always ask when...hoping it'll be soon.

Cry about the love we used to have

Cry that I won’t ever get you back

Yeah you've told him you're okay with it. Told him that you're happy for him and you're moving on. You've told him he's already forgiven and you'll stay as friends no matter what happens. That's the problem with me, I'm easy to forgive. Just like that, we're good. It is easy to say, "It's okay, I've forgiven you." but how can I forget? Forget all that we've talked about, all the fun we had. How can I forget? Tell me, coz I want to. But that's the problem, I can't. No matter how hard I try, I still remember. And I still cry about it, I have to admit. I still play our song, I still read your emails. I still talk about you, I still think about you. But I know, it didn't work and it'll never will. And that's whats killing me. If only...

I’m so happy for you I could cry

Yeah, I’m so elated

Cross my heart and hope to die

I’m so happy for you So, so happy for you

I don’t think about you every night

Before I close my eyes

I’m so happy for you baby, I could cry.

Sarcasm : my anti-drug. If you only knew how I die everyday, how hard it is for me to say I'm okay with everything. But you don't. Do you even care? I hope you're happy right now, well I'm sure you are. I don't know what to say anymore to be honest, coz if I say anything further I will cry. Hell, I already am. But no matter what you do, it'll still hurt. Even if how careful you try to say things not to hurt me they always will. I know you still care for me and I thank you for doing so, but you can't help but to hurt me more. It's okay, its not you its me. I'm driving myself crazy. How can I be happy? I wish I could, but I'll never be. But for you...I'll try.

October 15, 2006.

Happy Monthsary. Here's to what it might have been.

'Til next rant,

Shine